“There is only one thing that I dread: Not to be worthy of my sufferings.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Russian author
Rachel Entrekin is an ultramarathoner who has won the last three Cocodona 250 events, a 250 MILE race in Arizona. It only took her 56 hours and 9 minutes. “Only” is applied very intentionally here, as there were runners still crossing the finish line 68 hours after her finish. Almost 3 whole days. While her race is admirable and almost inconceivable, this entry is not about Rachel. It’s definitely not about Cocodona. And it’s only partly about ultra running.
After the race, I saw a clip from a podcast, with Rachel on, where she explained that she, partly, does these monumental efforts because she wants to know if she likes the person she becomes when things get hard. It’s an interesting question. A powerful question. I’ve been thinking about that clip for a couple days straight now probably because it is coming off the back of me re-reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. The question itself, and the answer she’s seeking, is very Franklian. The premise of his book being that facing our personal hardships with dignity provides meaning to our life. “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity – even under the most difficult circumstances – to add a deeper meaning to his life.” (Frankl).
So I ask myself. Do I like the person who emerges when things get hard? Am I proud of him? I think I do, and I think I am, but not always. The more I reflect, I realize the answer isn’t binary. I am not guaranteed a good version of myself to emerge. Liking who I am when life gets hard is a process with many self-corrections required.
Last summer was tumultuous for my family and myself. Both of my parents were hospitalized from a hit and run, my dad spent over a week in the ICU, 5 of which were in a coma, and a total of 30 days in the hospital. I felt the weight of my dad’s life suddenly on my shoulders as I stepped up to be the primary contact between the medical team and my family, and often fighting for the proper care to be administered, thanks to the poor state of our healthcare system. I have never felt so focused, and useful in the my life. Trivial matters washed away and for a moment in time I had purpose. I am proud of the man who emerged then. Fast forward a few months during my first ultramarathon, without getting into specifics I was irritated and snapped on my dad. I was tired, hot, frustrated, and just pulled myself out of a vicious 2 hour stretch with no water and food and he did something that annoyed me. While proud of my race as a whole, that moment of weakness and frustration is a stain on my finish. My dad has probably forgotten about it yet I cannot.
Those are two very different moments, and two very different Bobbys emerged; one that I like and the other I do not. But Rachel’s quote reminds me that I am not defined by either individual moment. I am the sum of my behaviors, and I will get another go at it. Whenever my life gets hard, which it has and it will, I get an opportunity to demonstrate a strong and caring version of myself. It is a muscle that has to be trained and each hardship is a workout where I will remind myself to be someone who makes me proud. In September, I’ll get another go at an ultra. This one being 2.5x further than the one I ran last August. 125KM.
I have one goal and it is to be proud of the person who crosses the finish line.